till-monkey unnerved by poor mentalist big spender   Leave a comment

The insane make me nervous. A young bloke came in the shop today that was evidently, obviously, clinically, and scientifically mad as a box of frogs. This is the reasoning behind my amateur diagnosis:

1. He gathers up goods worth £63-odd in about 4 minutes flat.
2. His ring tone is set to “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” and it goes off at least fifteen times while he is in the shop. For ages he can’t find his phone, and then when he does he starts fiddling with it in a flustered manner, like he might be texting someone a really long, angry message. At one point when it goes off he says something like “Yeah, its not my birthday!”
3. His behaviour is generally like tightly controlled mania, like he’s tripping and losing it but trying to act normal.
4. He has a strange red mark on his forehead.
5. He is wearing big headphones and when he lifts one off his right ear I see that it is all black and fragmented like he’s sustained some awful wound or burn, or has a hideous infection. It looks fucking painful.
6. He smells really sweaty and bad.
7. When I ask him for his £63-odd he gives me two twenties, and then looks a bit surprised to see how much he’s spent.
8. While I am totting up what he’s got he makes no effort to pack his goods, and I start to develop a paranoid theory that he doesn’t want to shop for healthy foodstuffs- he just wants to stab me with a spoon or something.
9. While he is at the till he has some kind of hallucination, because he starts, his eyes fixed on the thin air in front of his chest, and then says something like “Phew, they just go right through!”
10. After I’ve finished serving him and the bunch of customers who are caught up in his loopy wake I go off and start putting some goods on the shelf, but he just stays there fiddling with his phone. Eventually he starts putting things in bags but he already had two carriers when he came in (full of God-knows-what) and I see that he’s going to struggle to be able to carry everything. Perhaps with this fact in mind, he packs everything bar some very expensive soap (£3.75) and some hugely overpriced crisps (£1.20). He opens the crisps, puts the soap inside, then thinks better of it (that was close, almost did something really mad there!) so he takes the soap, pops a couple of crisps in his mouth, and goes out the door, leaving the packet on the counter.

Takes me about ten minutes to calm down. No-one else has noticed a thing.

Posted January 9, 2004 by peteum2013 in Uncategorized

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